This story was originally published by Dead Spin
You’ve got Shohei Ohtani doing things never seen before, Aaron Judge chasing Roger Maris and Barry Bonds, and Paul Skenes impacting the game as a rookie in a way even Caitlin Clark hasn’t.
And last I looked, 10 teams in each league had refused to hoist the white flag on the postseason with an exciting sprint to the finish ahead that could keep sports fans from realizing the football season has kicked off.
Yet, in the middle of it all, Major League Baseball lets it slip that its product is so boring, it’s considering a new rule that, for all intents and purposes, would require pitchers to throw underhand in an effort to get viewers to flip back from September golf, tennis, and, yes, women’s basketball.
OK, not underhand. But it took about the length of one batter timeout after the idea went public for the seemingly brilliant idea to get watered down in asterisks.
A starting pitcher must go six innings… UNLESS he has thrown 100 pitches or has allowed at least four runs or has gotten hurt so badly, an injured-list stint is required.
By the end of the idea’s first day of life—about the time someone suggested adding “Unless the booing reaches 150 decibels” – Rule Death To Analytics had so much small print attached, MLB had its people basically saying: We were just kidding.
Unfortunately, they weren’t.
The only thing worse than bad thinking is bad vision.
What game have you been watching (or not watching)?
The problem with baseball isn’t dominant relief pitching. It’s strikeouts.
First inning or extra innings. Starting pitcher or relief pitcher. Fans hate fanning.
You cut back on strikeouts; you get more balls in play. You put more balls in play, you hit a grand slam of the sport’s most watchable moments—more running, more throwing, more defensive acrobatics, and most importantly, more runs.
How do you strike out strikeouts? By being bold…
Shrink the strike zone.
Been done before. Yes, I know.
But not to this extreme:
Every time a batter gets a strike, his strike zone shrinks by one inch north, south, east and west. Of course, we’ll need robo-umps to implement this, but if tennis can go fulltime laser beams, so can baseball.
Penalize walks.
Smaller strike zones could lead to more walks… unless grooving pitches late in the count is deemed a better strategy than watching a fourth ball not only result in TWO bases for the batter, but also advances all baserunners an equal distance. Walking on a third ball would take this to a whole new level.
Give the best hitters more at-bats.
The attention-grabbing lure of an NFL game is knowing that Patrick Mahomes will handle the ball ON EVERY PLAY. Same with the NBA and Stephen Curry. Baseball can’t duplicate this, but it can take a step in that direction. Let’s start by shrinking the batting order from nine to eight (all but the pitcher), with DH’s and courtesy runners available for all players. You know, platoons. America’s favorite sport has them, and nobody complains.
Give the best hitters EVEN MORE at-bats.
You want to do away from endless relievers. Allow the offense to reset its batter order every time a reliever is summoned from the bullpen. No more of those scripted lefty-versus-lefty matchups where a strikeout is a 9-to-1 favorite. The reliever warms up, the opposing manager scans a new lineup into the electronic ump. Official scorekeepers will go on strike, but they’re all Bob Gibson fans, and he created this mess.
Modernize our weapons.
We can’t go aluminum. Too dangerous. So let’s do the next-best thing: Make the bats bigger. No, not longer. Bigger. As in Bamm-Bamm Rubble bigger. Nothing cut down on backyard whiffs like a Little Tikes special. And the power? The neighbor hated it.
Cheapen their weapons.
Making the baseball bigger would help. But that might get it spinning even faster, and that’s a problem. Most guys can hit fastballs if they know they’re coming. It’s the breaking balls that break knees.
So let’s ban curve balls. Nah, Little League already tried that. OK then, let’s remove the seams. Less air friction equals less spin. I learned that in physics.
Play with eight guys in the field.
Shackling infielders hasn’t worked. I say: Let them play wherever they want—but with one fewer of them. This brilliant idea comes from soccer. The best thing that can happen at a soccer match is a red card. Seeing how 10 players scramble to cover 11 makes soccer watchable. And if soccer can become watchable…
Ban sunglasses in the field.
You can’t rotate stadiums so that the outfielders’ eyes are always in the sun, so let’s play blind for a couple innings a game. It’s got to be worth an extra baserunner or two. Scoop-and-scores, steal-and-dunks… sometimes mistakes lead to a game’s most memorable moment.
Encourage greatness.
OK, this one actually PREVENTS home runs, but bear with me.
Require the warning track be built on an incline, leading to more outfielders scaling the fence to produce catches kids will attempt to duplicate the next day at practice. You want national attention? Create a 10-foot gap between the fence and bleachers so a mote can be built to break the outfielder’s fall. Alligators optional.
