A man steps into the centre of our circle for the first time. I feel a tightening around my chest. Long ago, before I had even heard of A Band of Brothers – the charity I now lead, which supports men who have been in the criminal justice system – this is exactly the sort of man I would have dismissed. A part of me still wants to dismiss him. Within moments, that part has stuck so many labels on him that, if I hadn’t done the inner work I’ve done, I would struggle to see his face: “Arrogant. Ignorant. Thinks a ‘real man’ should look and act just like him. Happy to judge others but doesn’t own his own shit. Typical white bloke.”
It is so tempting to dismiss men we dislike as toxic, irredeemable, beyond the pale. And God knows, most of us – male and female – have enough evidence to do so with a warm glow of self-righteousness. Easier to lock them away, exile them from our hearts and our communities.
And in some cases, that is the safest thing to do. But in A Band of Brothers, we believe that, when a man is willing to hold himself accountable and be supported by his community, magic can happen. And if you ask me what healthy masculinity looks like, it’s that. A man who has been arrogant, ignorant, selfish, rageful … in short, who has made mistakes (and show me a human who hasn’t), having the courage to step into the circle and say: ‘I need help’. And other men holding him accountable without ever closing their hearts to him.
